Life is real hard, one moment it gives you everything and the next it leaves you without anything! you will not have any idea what just happened. Life teaches you so many things which you have never dreamt of and it hard, in my case real hard. It has been a real long time I have blogged about something and I'm finding it so hard to start. After the two big incidents happened in my life, now life has no meaning for me and everything looks so empty and unreal. From 2013 I'm living the same life over and over with no difference at all. Each day and each month is same with so many memories! I wish I had a time machine to stop the time or go back to the old time.
Everybody says just move on and start thinking about new and start being happy but I don't understand how to start something new at the cost of the old memories. Those memories are unforgettable and I have lived the every moment of it and those feelings are just unforgettable. One day you have everything what you want and you do prepare many things to enjoy that moment which you are waiting from long time. And once you reach there and life start having some meaning and you start being busy and starts building up things what you have thought of! All of sudden you have nothing in your hands, everything again becomes empty and things starts haunting and there is only one person standing right behind you to hold you. It is so hard to answer peoples questions I just feel like hiding from everybody and never show them my face. But again I think what will happen to that person who is always there for me in any circumstances!
I'm trying real hard to get back to doing things what I use to do and feel good about it. I force myself to start everything back so that at least people around me feel normal. But every time I end up from where I started. I don't know where to go! If I go alone it's not fair for my husband even he is also in the same feelings what I'm in now. Though I have people around still my empty heart is not filling.. I keep fake smile on my face so that people around me should not feel my pain, but it is not fair. I'm not able to hide or show my pain and it is so difficult to face the world with the fake smile on my face. I feel so good to see when someone has a complete family, somewhere in the corner of my heart I feel bad for me and keep asking to god Why Me! Everyday I get up thinking that we will get what we deserve and keep waiting, but at the end of that day I'm standing in the same place surrounded by a same thoughts and feeling vulnerable. Nothing is changing everything is constant there is no movement at all. I know everybody has a problem in there life and many of them going through this pain, after thinking that also I'm not able to console myself and change my thoughts.. My heart and mind is filled with guilt and that guilt is killing me from inside and I'm not able to justify myself for what I have not done! I have no hope and I'm not able to see anything ahead, everything feels so painful and nothing feels right. The best part is I'm still living in my own virtual world where I have very happy family of my own.. I wish my virtual world would have been my real world! Now I have just given up, I know nothing is going to change I have to live with this pain through out my life. I just pray to god each and everyday no parents should go through this pain what we are going through, it is very painful!!